Famous Quotes By Erma Bombeck


  1. A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
  2. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
  3. All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
  4. Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
  5. Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
  6. Children make your life important.
  7. Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
  8. Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
  9. Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
  10. God created man, but I could do better.
  11. Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
  12. I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
  13. I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
  14. I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
  15. I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
  16. I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
  17. If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
  18. It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
  19. It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
  20. It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
  21. I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
  22. Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
  23. Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
  24. Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
  25. My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
  26. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
  27. Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
  28. Never have more children than you have car windows.
  29. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
  30. Never order food in excess of your body weight.
  31. Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
  32. One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
  33. Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
  34. Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
  35. Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
  36. Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
  37. There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
  38. There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
  39. What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
  40. When humor goes, there goes civilization.
  41. When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
  42. Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
  43. Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

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