Famous Quotes By Mitch Hedberg


  1. A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
  2. All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
  3. Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
  4. Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
  5. I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
  6. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
  7. I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
  8. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
  9. I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
  10. I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
  11. I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
  12. I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
  13. I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
  14. I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
  15. If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
  16. I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
  17. I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
  18. Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
  19. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
  20. Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
  21. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
  22. This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
  23. Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
  24. Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

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