Famous Quotes By Groucho Marx


  1. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
  2. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
  3. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
  4. All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
  5. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
  6. Humor is reason gone mad.
  7. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  8. I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
  9. I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
  10. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
  11. I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
  12. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  13. I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
  14. I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
  15. I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
  16. In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
  17. It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
  18. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
  19. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
  20. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
  21. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
  22. Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
  23. No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
  24. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
  25. Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
  26. Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
  27. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
  28. She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
  29. The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
  30. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
  31. Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
  32. Women should be obscene and not heard.



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