Famous Quotes By Steven Wright


  1. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
  2. Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
  3. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
  4. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
  5. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
  6. How young can you die of old age?
  7. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
  8. I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
  9. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
  10. I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
  11. I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
  12. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
  13. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
  14. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
  15. I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
  16. I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
  17. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
  18. I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
  19. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
  20. I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
  21. I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
  22. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
  23. I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
  24. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
  25. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  26. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
  27. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  28. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
  29. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
  30. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
  31. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
  32. What's another word for Thesaurus?
  33. When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
  34. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

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