Famous Quotes By Woody Allen


  1. As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
  2. Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
  3. Eighty percent of success is showing up.
  4. His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
  5. I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
  6. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
  7. I am two with nature.
  8. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
  9. I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
  10. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
  11. I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
  12. I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
  13. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
  14. I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
  15. I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
  16. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
  17. I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
  18. If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
  19. If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
  20. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
  21. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
  22. If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
  23. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  24. It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
  25. It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
  26. Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
  27. Marriage is the death of hope.
  28. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
  29. Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
  30. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
  31. Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
  32. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
  33. Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
  34. Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
  35. Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
  36. The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
  37. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
  38. Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
  39. To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
  40. Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

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